Normalizing Mental Health Conversations in Families

Mental health is often stigmatized and directly associated with mental illness. There seems to be a fear that proactive mental health discussions may actually create mental unwellness. Yet, proactively addressing physical health, dental health, heart health, gut health, and other forms of health are praised as measures for achieving longevity and overall well-being.

Accepting that mental health is the emotional, psychological, and social health counterparts of comprehensive wellness goes a long way toward understanding its importance. Ignoring this significant portion of wellness is counterproductive and dangerous.

By normalizing mental health conversations in families, children can learn coping strategies early on that lead to better mental health outcomes. Just as a child feels secure in coming to a family member with a sore throat or stomach ache, open mental health discussions can create a family culture of acceptance when and if mental health concerns arise. However, even if mental health conversations don’t begin until much later, they can still have a significant impact on all family members, regardless of age.

So, how do you approach mental health conversations in families?

Discussing Mental Health with Children

Removing the stigma around mental health topics starts with integrating the conversation into daily life.

Look for Opportunities

Children are much more open to discussing their thoughts and feelings than teens and adults. That doesn’t mean they know what to do with these feelings.

A child may have a temper tantrum in a store because they are tired or can’t have a toy. A parent’s first reaction may be frustration – and that’s understandable. However, the ride home can be the perfect opportunity to discuss why they reacted that way and other ways to handle disappointment that is more acceptable to the parent and more effective for the child. Additionally, it’s a chance for reflection on how best to deal with frustration as a parent.

Other opportunities may present themselves through observing others. If you are watching a movie together and a character is sad, you could ask your child what they would do if their friend were sad and offer additional suggestions. This is also a good way to discuss bullying and other social issues. By looking at it through the lens of the situation affecting a friend, they can objectively think through coping strategies.

This is not a one-and-done conversation, but repeatedly taking these opportunities to help children learn effective ways to process what they are feeling and how to deal with those emotions will build upon themselves and can also help to remind parents of coping strategies as well.

Model Effective Mental Health Strategies

“Do as I say, not as I do” is often the message parents can unintentionally give to their children and other family members. Normalizing mental health conversations in families doesn’t begin with opening a conversational path for others, though that’s certainly a good thing. The best starting point is for parents to pave the way by modeling effective mental health strategies themselves. Would you want to take golfing advice from someone who’s never held a golf club? One of the best teaching methods is to practice and model the behavior you want to see reflected.

Remove Emotional Invincibility

Parents often feel a need to appear almost superhuman to their children. This can be the case between spouses, siblings, and other family members as well. By hiding emotions, parents think they appear strong, capable, and invincible. Your family needs to see your emotional invincibility to feel safe and secure, right? Not necessarily, or at least not 100% of the time. If parents or other responsible family members never shed a tear, express disappointment, or exhibit any of what society might consider negative emotions in front of their children, how are the people you are trying to protect by being “strong” going to know how to deal with those emotions for themselves when they come?

However, remember that the goal of being transparent with your children is to teach them effective ways to express and deal with those emotions. If you are practicing good mental health strategies, this can be a great learning experience for your children. If you are not, it can produce the opposite effect.

Build Self Esteem

Self-esteem is often lumped together with self-confidence, but they are quite different, though one can certainly help build the other. Self-esteem refers to the value you place on yourself. That value can often determine your self-confidence or belief in yourself and your abilities. Children with positive self-esteem are better equipped to overcome challenges that could otherwise result in mental health concerns.

Parents play a pivotal role in their children’s view of themselves and their contributions. Some ways parents can foster positive self-esteem include:

Help them to set achievable goals and celebrate their success.
Value effort over perfectionism.
Encourage new activities and support interests.
Show unconditional love.
Provide opportunities for your child to have age-appropriate responsibilities at home.
Use mistakes as teaching opportunities.

Discussing Mental Health with Teens and Young Adults

The strategies listed above can be beneficial for any age. Still, mental health conversations can be a little more challenging but critically important when it comes to teens and young adults.

In 2020, 1 in 6 U.S. adolescents aged 12-17 experienced a major depressive disorder episode, and 3 million had serious thoughts of suicide. Those are alarming numbers. The good news is that open communication can help.

How do you maintain open lines of communication with your teens during a time that they typically are seeking independence and are less willing to share? It can be difficult, but whether they seem to be listening or not, keep talking, watching, and most importantly – listening.

Keep Talking

It may often feel like all you get is one-syllable answers from your teen, but that doesn’t mean that your interest in their lives goes unnoticed. Still, giving them the third degree about every single thing they are involved in isn’t the best way to encourage them to keep you in the loop. However, expressing interest in the things that matter to them will go a long way towards keeping key lines of communication open when it matters most. Remind them early and often that they can come to you about anything, even if it’s something you won’t like.

Pay Attention

Sudden changes in routine can be red flags, particularly when they are:

Lasting in duration
Strong in intensity
Interfering with daily life

Has your teen suddenly become reclusive, even to the point of disregarding their closest friends? Is it interfering with school, family, or sports activities they once enjoyed? Teens go through a lot of changes that can cause temporary disruption in temperament and routine. However, pay attention when duration, intensity, or disruption of daily function come into play. These may be signs of a mental health crisis.

Ask your teen why they suddenly quit the band and hanging out with their band friends when they once loved those activities. If you can’t get answers from your teen, talk with the band director or friends and ask if they’ve noticed any unusual behavior. While it may be that they’ve moved on from that season of their life, there could be something more.

Listen Intently

When your teen is communicating with you, make sure you are actively listening. Give them your full attention and express interest in what they have to say, but let them do the talking. Listen for what they are saying and for what they aren’t. Value their thoughts and willingness to express them, even if you don’t agree with them. Then, they may be a little more willing to come to you with what they think may be a difficult topic.

Most importantly, listen for words that indicate a possible mental health emergency. Those words may include:

It’s hopeless.
Nothing is going to change.
No one cares what happens to me.
I don’t want to live.
It would be easier for everyone if I were gone.

These types of statements should always be taken seriously. If you believe there is an immediate threat to life, call 9-1-1 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also call or text the national mental health crisis hotline at 9-8-8.

Highlight Resources

Regardless of your efforts, there may be times your child, teen, or even adults in the family don’t feel comfortable discussing their mental health with family members. The crucial thing is that they talk with someone.

Make sure everyone in the family has a trusted person they know they can go to outside of the family, whether that be a family friend, school counselor, therapist, or even a hotline. This goes for children, parents, and teens. Keep those contact numbers where they can be easily found. Emergency mental health resources are just as important as those for fire, poison control, and other crisis situations.

Mental health is physical health. Poor mental health can affect every aspect of an individual’s and a family’s life. By normalizing mental health conversations in families, the stigma is removed, and help is more readily available.